Dreams

I have dreams.  Not the "I dream that one day there will be no cancer" dreams (though I do dream that too).  I'm talking about going to sleep and floating off to dreamland kind of dreams.  My dreams are SO vivid.  I'd say I dream about 90% of the time I go to sleep... and ever since I was young, about 50% of those dreams are nightmares.  I must admit that sometimes nightmares are kinda cool, but sometimes they just aren't.

I had a pretty bad nightmare last night.  I think it happened because I received letters in the mail from both my breast surgeon and plastic surgeon confirming my surgery date and time.  I will officially begin my surgery 12(noon) on Feb 29th.  Those pieces of paper made my surgery concrete.  It's happening, and it's happening soon.

Now I can't stop thinking about the mastectomy.  I'm scared that I won't be able to handle the pain that will come with it.  I know everyone handles pain differently, and I've always believed that I had a higher threshold of pain than others, but now I'm not so sure.  I don't think my pain tolerance has been totally tested until now.  I can read and listen to dozens among dozens of women's experiences with their double mastectomy's to get me prepared, but I will never truly know how I will react until it's already done.  Some women say it's not bad at all.  Some women say they feel lightning bolts of pain that stop them in their tracks as their nerves regenerate.  Some women say they feel cold and can't get warm.

I am positive that this upcoming month is going to be difficult, painful, and stressful.  I am trying my best to prepare myself for all the emotions / pain I will be going through.  Maybe it won't be as bad as I am making it out to be... usually things aren't as bad as I've made them in my mind, or how my nightmares make them to be.  Then I will be pleasantly surprised.  I just want to know that I'll be able to do this.  I'd like a sign in advance that everything will be OK and that it really is just not going to be THAT bad.  I know I am building it up in my mind... I'm trying my hardest to believe that I'll be fine.

I'm hoping tonight for nice dreams.  No more surgery nightmares please!

- J.