Reccuring Dream

I've always heard about the reccuring "pantless" dream. You know the one right? Where you leave the house with no pants on and either people notice or don't notice and either you care or don't care. There are obviously many different interpretations of this dream depending on your emotions during it.

I've never had this so-called "pantless" dream. But as of recently, I've been having an "out in public whilst shirtless / braless" recurring dream. I'm in a different arena each time. Once I was at a pool, once I was at the mall, once I was at work. My emotions during the dream are different each time. When I was at the pool I didn't care and had a whatever attitude. When I was at the mall I was ashamed and tried to cover myself up. In all of the dreams I've had my double mast with the reconstruction and my scars are prominently on display. No dreams have been with my old boobies (though that would be nice).

Obviously my new boobs have been consuming my thoughts... and now they are consuming my dreams!!

- J.

Dreams

I have dreams.  Not the "I dream that one day there will be no cancer" dreams (though I do dream that too).  I'm talking about going to sleep and floating off to dreamland kind of dreams.  My dreams are SO vivid.  I'd say I dream about 90% of the time I go to sleep... and ever since I was young, about 50% of those dreams are nightmares.  I must admit that sometimes nightmares are kinda cool, but sometimes they just aren't.

I had a pretty bad nightmare last night.  I think it happened because I received letters in the mail from both my breast surgeon and plastic surgeon confirming my surgery date and time.  I will officially begin my surgery 12(noon) on Feb 29th.  Those pieces of paper made my surgery concrete.  It's happening, and it's happening soon.

Now I can't stop thinking about the mastectomy.  I'm scared that I won't be able to handle the pain that will come with it.  I know everyone handles pain differently, and I've always believed that I had a higher threshold of pain than others, but now I'm not so sure.  I don't think my pain tolerance has been totally tested until now.  I can read and listen to dozens among dozens of women's experiences with their double mastectomy's to get me prepared, but I will never truly know how I will react until it's already done.  Some women say it's not bad at all.  Some women say they feel lightning bolts of pain that stop them in their tracks as their nerves regenerate.  Some women say they feel cold and can't get warm.

I am positive that this upcoming month is going to be difficult, painful, and stressful.  I am trying my best to prepare myself for all the emotions / pain I will be going through.  Maybe it won't be as bad as I am making it out to be... usually things aren't as bad as I've made them in my mind, or how my nightmares make them to be.  Then I will be pleasantly surprised.  I just want to know that I'll be able to do this.  I'd like a sign in advance that everything will be OK and that it really is just not going to be THAT bad.  I know I am building it up in my mind... I'm trying my hardest to believe that I'll be fine.

I'm hoping tonight for nice dreams.  No more surgery nightmares please!

- J.