It is our choices that show what we truly are...

OK. I've been trying SO hard to not blog about Angelina Jolie and her recent announcement of her double mastectomy. I tried! I know you are rolling your eyes and groaning at this post. I don't blame you. But the news is EVERYWHERE!

I was first tipped off to this news story via c.d. and Twitter. I read Angelina's op-ed piece, "My Medical Choice," in The New York Times and thought "you go girl!" I was proud of her for taking control of her life and also discussing it openly to all of us. Angie and I now have something in common! I would have never imagined that. 

I then knew that the Twitter trolls would be out in full force, so of course I needed to see what the common Twitter folks were saying. Some were giving her props for being so courageous. Then there were the "Angie cut off her boobies?!" tweets, the "she is no longer on my to do list" tweets, and the "I'm offended that she cut off her boobs and is talking about it" tweets. Ugh. Thank you Internet for making everyone so scholarly in the ways of double mastectomies and women's bodies. I expected all of this and it amused me to see others put these trolls in their place. 

Then came the articles, and that's when I couldn't take it any more. Articles written by doctors, nutritionists, news anchors, etc. claiming that Angie self mutilated her body. If only she ate right she wouldn't need to be scared of breast cancer! Double mastectomies are primitive and don't cure breast cancer! She still may get it! She made the wrong decision!

OK! Hold up! How dare anyone tell somebody that they made the wrong decision about their health. First of all, it's none of your damn business! She did what she felt was right for her, her family supported her 100%, and that's all that matters. She watched her mother die from ovarian cancer, she is BRCA 1 positive herself. She did what was right for her and how self righteous you must be to say otherwise or question her decision.

I also find comments like these insulting to the many women who have had double mastectomies. I've never questioned if I did the right thing. Never! I watched as my mother battled breast cancer for 12 years and then pass away from it. I was diagnosed with breast cancer at 29. I then found out I was BRCA 2 positive. It was a no brainer to me. My mom went the lumpectomy / radiation route and in the end it failed her. I am trying something different. Say to me that I maimed myself for no reason. Do it and see what happens. My "don't feed the trolls" rule may not apply.

I don't think anyone who has had to agonize over such a decision actually thinks they are then invincible from breast cancer, or any other cancer for that fact, after their double mastectomy. If anything, it made me more aware of my mortality.

The one thing I do take issue with (and this may be because she was not diagnosed with that dreaded "cancer" word) is Angelina's somewhat blasé approach to the double mastectomy. She said it was pretty easy and she returned back to her normal working life in no time. I know she is probably trying to reassure women that if they are faced with losing their breasts it will all be ok, but it is a tough journey. The pain. The sleepless nights. Missing out on doing just the regular activities you love. The actual scars. The emotional pain. The daily leftover physical aches and pains that linger to this day. It's rough. But if you feel deep down in your heart that you are making the right decision, it WILL be worth it. We are so different and our paths are all unique. What works for one may not work for the other. Don't be afraid to share your story, you just may comfort someone who is starting their journey.

I'm not one bit ashamed of the choice I made. I'm proud. I'll tell anyone who wants to listen. I made the right choice for me and I'm not sorry.

- J.

A Life I Don't Know How To Live In

I so desperately need a "how to be a cancer survivor" booklet, pamphlet, brochure, whatever!

When I was diagnosed there was so much information about breast cancer: what is currently happening in my body, what to expect during and after surgery, how the recovery process will go, the possible side effects, how to exercise during physical therapy, etc etc. I was overwhelmed at times, but also thankful for this wealth of information. I had no problem making the decisions I needed to for my health and I felt confident in the path I was choosing.

I am having a much harder time settling in to my proud cancer-free status. I feel as if cancer has completely robbed me of the normal, carefree life I used to lead. I felt pretty good after my exchange surgery. I felt strong and proud in my cancer survivor role. But my strength and pride seem to be crumbling each day as I just try to return to my normal life. I don't know why this is hitting me all of the sudden right now. It's been over a year now since I've been declared cancer free.

My allergies are killing me this spring. It's causing me some dizziness, light headedness, and an all around feeling of not being able to concentrate. This hit me hard during the weekend and I started to panic. Even this morning on my way to work I had to struggle with myself to not get off the train and just head back home. I just don't feel right and it's because of my damn allergies. I know this, but I feel like I am hyper aware of how much I am not in control of what is happening in my body and that scares me at times.

I discussed with c.d. about going to talk to someone. I feel guilty though. What do I have to complain about really? I didn't have to go through chemo or radiation. I am not on any medication. I am cancer free... so what is my problem?

Any survivors out there who can recommend how my transition into survivorship can go more smoothly? I'll try anything!

- J.

Somewhere Out There

10. That's a big number. It's been 10 years to this day since you passed away. It seems like just yesterday. I replay the evening in my mind at times and it's always so crystal clear. You passed away peacefully in your home surrounded by family.

We had music playing. You know that Music Choice station on Comcast TV? We had that on; thanks to you mom I can never ever listen to that damn "Somewhere Out There" song without turning into a crying, snot puddle mess. Zoe was curled up in a little white fluff ball at the end of your bed. As the night went on and April 15th approached I whispered in your ear that I loved you and you responded with your eyes closed, "I love you too baby." Those words meant the world to me then and still do today. Around 12:30am you took your last breath and I knew everything would be different.

You were the best mom a girl could ask for. I look up to you and hope to have at least an ounce of the beauty, love, compassion, patience, and strength that you possessed. You were filled with wisdom and I was lucky enough to use your own words in my eulogy to you. You wrote in a card once how losing a loved one creates a scar on one's heart. Over time that scar fades a bit and becomes softer. It's always there, but it will always be a gentle, happy reminder of our loved one and all the good times you had together. I couldn't have said it better, and I wouldn't dare try.

I have so many wonderful memories of you. I never forget the good times! We had so many. I dream about you periodically. It's always nice to see your face, you're always smiling. I can still hear your voice, and I think about the things you'd say to me now. As I navigate through my life and deal with all the good and bad things it throws at me, I know you are beside me every step of the way.

I made this video for you just months after you passed away. I cherish it and am so happy I can watch it every day and see you and me together again.

I love you mom.

- J.

We’re all immortal until we have a name of what can kill us...

Can we talk about panic attacks for a post please? What the heck are they all about? I mean really. I'll be fine one minute and then the next minute I am totally psyching myself out.

About two weeks ago I felt like I was having abdomen problems so what do I do? I go exploring of course! I then find a bump. A really teeny tiny bump. Has that always been there? Is it new? What could it be?? So instead of ignoring it I made a doctor appointment. I needed a general physical and blood work done anyway... I show my doctor the bump. He was impressed that I even found it. Doctor, I had cancer, please, I will now find every lump / oddity in my body. He said it was just a cyst. He's felt millions of them, it's not attached to anything, and people get them there all the time. Whew. Safe. For now...

Damn you mind! Why can't you rest? I don't get panic attacks often. Actually, they are quite rare. But I had two small ones on Saturday. Two! One driving with c.d. and then one in the movie theater with Kev. Why? I'm not 100% sure. I had an awful headache while driving so that may have been why. Once one starts it's SO hard to talk myself out of it, but I was able to this time. I try to take really deep breaths and just tell myself it's a panic attack and nothing serious.

Trying to pinpoint the causes are important to me. Usually it's a pain that triggers it and then I think said pain must be leftover cancer cells. But this time I think the panic attacks were triggered by something different. Over the past couple of weeks two young breast cancer bloggers passed away at the ages of 29 (Bridget Spence) and 33 (Lisa Lynch). I was very very saddened to hear about their deaths and could not believe that breast cancer is still claiming such young lives. My mom passed away at the young age of 49 and my aunt at 42. I thought we were done with this. I thought progress was being made. Where is it? I demand it!

Speaking of my mommy, the 10 year anniversary of her death is a week away. I'm actually dreading it. Over the past years it has sucked once the day was here, but the dread never built like it is this year. Maybe I've just been thinking a lot about her lately.

I guess it just seems I have a lot going on in my head. How does one turn it all off? Can ex-cancer patients suffer from PTSD because I feel like I am going crazy over here!

- J.

* This post's title is a quote from Helen Cooksey in an interview she gave HERE with Dr. Susan Love. *

Grateful is a Good Place to Wind up in Life

I know, I know. I've been a bad blogger. "Where is that damn Creative Cups review?!" you've been asking yourself for DAYS now. Well here it is! It was so much fun that I had to let it all soak in. I had to wade through picture after picture of one beautifully designed bra after another.

From the moment I walked in I knew I was about to participate in something special. The air in the room was just so positive. The 100+ bras were set up on long banquet tables with each of their stories standing near by on a placard. There was a piece of paper in front of the bras for the silent auction.




Just as I expected, each story that went along with every bra was interesting, inspirational, and thoughtful. The care and precision that went into each bra's creation was thought provoking and special.

Look at all these beautifully creative bras! I know! There are so many! They are all so artistic! You are feeling overwhelmed! Well, too bad! OK, I admit it. I was a bit overwhelmed myself. I wanted to read every story and really take in every bra but it was becoming an impossible task. I knew I had to purchase a Creative Cups book. In the book there is a professional portrait of each bra and the story that goes along with it. This has given me a better chance to read each story again and really think about the bra.

Even the back of each bra was crafted with loving detail. I would walk up and down the tables looking at both the front and back of all the bras. There was everything from ladybugs, to messages of hope, to recipes, to bottle caps, to filmstrips, to flowers, to bike pumps, to chains on the back clasps. Each bra was as different as the next!

I found this fundraiser to be quite different from others that I've attended. There was no pomp and circumstance. No one was patting a sponsor on the back. There was no chanting. Everyone there came to look at some beautiful artwork and to support a good cause. I spoke to amazing women who have been through hell and back and are still smiling. I bonded with some over my "Yes, they're fake t-shirt." It's amazing how many women came up to me and said they need to buy the shirt. There are so many of us out there! During the evening I was surrounded by my amazing and supportive co-workers. Also, C.D. and McCheese made the trek out to the event to celebrate with me and I couldn't thank them enough.

Pat Battle, an anchor for the NY local NBC news channel and a breast cancer survivor herself, was an amazing emcee for the event. She spoke briefly and the excitement from the evening was just emanating from her as the beautiful bras circulated behind her on a slideshow presentation.

Can you tell how excited I was to see my bra on display? I thought it looked beautiful on the bust and I felt very proud of the work that we put in to it. It was auctioned off for $155.00!! There was actually a bidding war towards the end of the evening on "Fancy Me a Heroine." I was so humbled by the two women who were bidding back and forth on it. I am glad my co-workers and I were able to raise that money to go to the NY Statewide Breast Cancer Hotline. I would be lying if I said I wasn't sad to part with it, but I know it is going to a good home for a good cause. I hope it brings as much joy to the person who won it as it did to me while I was creating it.

By the end of the night I felt so empowered, so supported, and so loved. I felt like I was on an emotional roller coaster, with only positive feelings of course. My night officially ended with C.D. and McCheese presenting me with a little cancerversary gift. They had created a scrapbook of my journey from the past year using pictures, parts of my blog posts and their own thoughts and feelings during that time. It is such a beautiful gift and something I will cherish for the rest of my life.

I am so lucky and grateful to be where I am today. The support I've received during this journey and that I continue to receive to this day from everyone around me is just tremendous. Thank you to Creative Cups for allowing me to express myself creatively, and putting together such a wonderful event. I look forward to the next one, whenever that may be!

One of our many quotes from the back of our bra from Betty Rollin:

“Awful things happen to an awful lot of us & it's a happy moment when you start noticing some kind of payoff. Cancer survivors for ex, notice that they're breathing in a way other people don't. And because they are breathing they are grateful in a way a lot of people aren't. And grateful is a good place to wind up in life. It beats poor me.”

- J.

P.S. I heard that the event raised over $70,000 for the Breast Cancer Hotline and Support Program. How amazing is that?!

Creativity Takes Courage

Tomorrow is the big day! The Creative Cups auction and reception will be taking over the Adelphi University campus. 100+ decorated bras will be displayed proudly in the University Center from 6:00pm - 9:00pm on March 14, 2013. Along with each bra comes a story behind it's creation.

I was lucky enough to see a sneak peek to tomorrow's evening. 14 bras were on display for a week leading up to the event. The 14 bras were amazing and the stories behind them were just so moving and courageous. I spent so much time in the room looking at each bra and absorbing the story and the motive behind its creation. I don't know how I am going to get through 100+ bras, but I am going to try my best!



There will be passed hors d'oeuvres, a fruit plate, a cheese platter, a dessert of some kind, and WINE! How can you pass up an evening like this? Good food, nice drinks, beautiful bras, and wonderful people, all for a good cause. Who could ask for anything more? Oh, and I will be rocking my "Yes, they're fake" shirt if that is any sort of incentive...

Hope to see you there!

- J.

"Let's get this show on the road!" said my Ovaries

Nothing says "Time to wake up!!" like an early morning chat about one's ovaries and future babies!!

I finally got around to calling Dr. Blackwood the other day about my ONGYN's recommendation to do at least a low estrogen birth control pill. Remember THIS post from back in November? Yeah, I'm a procrastinator, don't even start. Dr. Blackwood called me back last night and left me a voicemail. She basically said she doesn't have the answer I am looking for. She said the birth control would be good for my ovaries, but in regards to the extra hormones there's no real concrete evidence that it helps or hurts. Things get especially dicey with my BRCA2 positive gene. She recommended that I call my Onc.

To be honest I don't know why I even bothered calling when I had already (sorta) made up my mind. I guess I was looking for reassurance. I am pretty sure I am going to do none of the recommendations from my OBGYN and just hope for the best. I think he will be a bit disappointed to hear that because he wants me to be proactive and I understand. It's just that two of the options are so extreme and the least aggressive option...well, I've never, ever wanted to take birth control. I never felt comfortable knowing there would be extra hormones in my body. What if I was taking birth control during the time my invasive micropapillary carcinoma was growing inside me? Would it still have been just 1mm? Would my lymph nodes still have been clear? I don't know the answers but I feel confident in my no birth control policy. I've been to many different OBGYN's and all but one tried to push the pill on me. I'm proud that I stood my ground!

But has the game changed now? I no longer have my breasts. It's ovary time! Do I now focus primarily on my ovaries? I am just so scared to put any bit of extra estrogen in my body. It just doesn't feel right. And what if I start taking the birth control in May? What if I want to have a baby in a year or so? It seems pointless to go on it for a year! I don't know...

And don't get me started about babies. Thanks to my health problems I feel pressured to have babies NOW so I can get everything down there removed before it decides to turn against me. It's all so overwhelming when I think about it. Kevin said all will be ok. This is the hand I was dealt and we will do what we have to do. And really, is one ever completely "ready" for children? At 30 I sure as hell don't feel ready but my ovaries are definitely ready to get this show on the road!!

- J.

PS Dr. Blackwood's office just called again. Ha. I am getting my pathology report faxed over to me so I can go through it with a fine toothed comb. I need to be sure I am making the best decision for my health. Oofta. Someone tell me I am doing everything right!!