We’re all immortal until we have a name of what can kill us...

Can we talk about panic attacks for a post please? What the heck are they all about? I mean really. I'll be fine one minute and then the next minute I am totally psyching myself out.

About two weeks ago I felt like I was having abdomen problems so what do I do? I go exploring of course! I then find a bump. A really teeny tiny bump. Has that always been there? Is it new? What could it be?? So instead of ignoring it I made a doctor appointment. I needed a general physical and blood work done anyway... I show my doctor the bump. He was impressed that I even found it. Doctor, I had cancer, please, I will now find every lump / oddity in my body. He said it was just a cyst. He's felt millions of them, it's not attached to anything, and people get them there all the time. Whew. Safe. For now...

Damn you mind! Why can't you rest? I don't get panic attacks often. Actually, they are quite rare. But I had two small ones on Saturday. Two! One driving with c.d. and then one in the movie theater with Kev. Why? I'm not 100% sure. I had an awful headache while driving so that may have been why. Once one starts it's SO hard to talk myself out of it, but I was able to this time. I try to take really deep breaths and just tell myself it's a panic attack and nothing serious.

Trying to pinpoint the causes are important to me. Usually it's a pain that triggers it and then I think said pain must be leftover cancer cells. But this time I think the panic attacks were triggered by something different. Over the past couple of weeks two young breast cancer bloggers passed away at the ages of 29 (Bridget Spence) and 33 (Lisa Lynch). I was very very saddened to hear about their deaths and could not believe that breast cancer is still claiming such young lives. My mom passed away at the young age of 49 and my aunt at 42. I thought we were done with this. I thought progress was being made. Where is it? I demand it!

Speaking of my mommy, the 10 year anniversary of her death is a week away. I'm actually dreading it. Over the past years it has sucked once the day was here, but the dread never built like it is this year. Maybe I've just been thinking a lot about her lately.

I guess it just seems I have a lot going on in my head. How does one turn it all off? Can ex-cancer patients suffer from PTSD because I feel like I am going crazy over here!

- J.

* This post's title is a quote from Helen Cooksey in an interview she gave HERE with Dr. Susan Love. *