A Life I Don't Know How To Live In

I so desperately need a "how to be a cancer survivor" booklet, pamphlet, brochure, whatever!

When I was diagnosed there was so much information about breast cancer: what is currently happening in my body, what to expect during and after surgery, how the recovery process will go, the possible side effects, how to exercise during physical therapy, etc etc. I was overwhelmed at times, but also thankful for this wealth of information. I had no problem making the decisions I needed to for my health and I felt confident in the path I was choosing.

I am having a much harder time settling in to my proud cancer-free status. I feel as if cancer has completely robbed me of the normal, carefree life I used to lead. I felt pretty good after my exchange surgery. I felt strong and proud in my cancer survivor role. But my strength and pride seem to be crumbling each day as I just try to return to my normal life. I don't know why this is hitting me all of the sudden right now. It's been over a year now since I've been declared cancer free.

My allergies are killing me this spring. It's causing me some dizziness, light headedness, and an all around feeling of not being able to concentrate. This hit me hard during the weekend and I started to panic. Even this morning on my way to work I had to struggle with myself to not get off the train and just head back home. I just don't feel right and it's because of my damn allergies. I know this, but I feel like I am hyper aware of how much I am not in control of what is happening in my body and that scares me at times.

I discussed with c.d. about going to talk to someone. I feel guilty though. What do I have to complain about really? I didn't have to go through chemo or radiation. I am not on any medication. I am cancer free... so what is my problem?

Any survivors out there who can recommend how my transition into survivorship can go more smoothly? I'll try anything!

- J.

We’re all immortal until we have a name of what can kill us...

Can we talk about panic attacks for a post please? What the heck are they all about? I mean really. I'll be fine one minute and then the next minute I am totally psyching myself out.

About two weeks ago I felt like I was having abdomen problems so what do I do? I go exploring of course! I then find a bump. A really teeny tiny bump. Has that always been there? Is it new? What could it be?? So instead of ignoring it I made a doctor appointment. I needed a general physical and blood work done anyway... I show my doctor the bump. He was impressed that I even found it. Doctor, I had cancer, please, I will now find every lump / oddity in my body. He said it was just a cyst. He's felt millions of them, it's not attached to anything, and people get them there all the time. Whew. Safe. For now...

Damn you mind! Why can't you rest? I don't get panic attacks often. Actually, they are quite rare. But I had two small ones on Saturday. Two! One driving with c.d. and then one in the movie theater with Kev. Why? I'm not 100% sure. I had an awful headache while driving so that may have been why. Once one starts it's SO hard to talk myself out of it, but I was able to this time. I try to take really deep breaths and just tell myself it's a panic attack and nothing serious.

Trying to pinpoint the causes are important to me. Usually it's a pain that triggers it and then I think said pain must be leftover cancer cells. But this time I think the panic attacks were triggered by something different. Over the past couple of weeks two young breast cancer bloggers passed away at the ages of 29 (Bridget Spence) and 33 (Lisa Lynch). I was very very saddened to hear about their deaths and could not believe that breast cancer is still claiming such young lives. My mom passed away at the young age of 49 and my aunt at 42. I thought we were done with this. I thought progress was being made. Where is it? I demand it!

Speaking of my mommy, the 10 year anniversary of her death is a week away. I'm actually dreading it. Over the past years it has sucked once the day was here, but the dread never built like it is this year. Maybe I've just been thinking a lot about her lately.

I guess it just seems I have a lot going on in my head. How does one turn it all off? Can ex-cancer patients suffer from PTSD because I feel like I am going crazy over here!

- J.

* This post's title is a quote from Helen Cooksey in an interview she gave HERE with Dr. Susan Love. *

Panic Attack!

I think my body / mind did not get the memo that all the hard parts are over.  Last night I had a tiny panic attack and I'm not sure why.  It certainly was no where near the panic attacks I experienced in the beginning of January right after my diagnosis but it was still no fun.

Panic attacks are fascinating to me.  It's like your body is rebelling against you.  When I feel a panic attack coming on I just try to breathe and tell myself that everything is fine, but alas, my body doesn't listen.  My heart races.  My mind races.  I shake.  I can't lie down.  My arm gets numb.  My stomach gets upset.  I have to use the bathroom.  It's insane!

It may have come on from lack of sleep, but I was having lack of sleep because of the panic attack.  I just couldn't win last night!  I then felt horrible this morning / afternoon.  My stomach was upset.  I had a horrible headache.  I felt disconnected and my brain was so muddled.  I was a real life, walking, talking zombie.

After work I decided I couldn't go back to my basement apartment since I was beginning to feel better.  (I took some Advil since I was feeling a bit sore and made sure to drink a lot of water during the day).  I went out to dinner and then got myself some delicious self serve frozen yogurt.  I wanted to enjoy the nice weather outside and it made me feel great.  I feel much better than last night and I am going to head to bed shortly to catch up on some much needed sleep.

So the moral of this story?  If you have a panic attack, eat some delicious froyo outside.

- J.