A Life I Don't Know How To Live In

I so desperately need a "how to be a cancer survivor" booklet, pamphlet, brochure, whatever!

When I was diagnosed there was so much information about breast cancer: what is currently happening in my body, what to expect during and after surgery, how the recovery process will go, the possible side effects, how to exercise during physical therapy, etc etc. I was overwhelmed at times, but also thankful for this wealth of information. I had no problem making the decisions I needed to for my health and I felt confident in the path I was choosing.

I am having a much harder time settling in to my proud cancer-free status. I feel as if cancer has completely robbed me of the normal, carefree life I used to lead. I felt pretty good after my exchange surgery. I felt strong and proud in my cancer survivor role. But my strength and pride seem to be crumbling each day as I just try to return to my normal life. I don't know why this is hitting me all of the sudden right now. It's been over a year now since I've been declared cancer free.

My allergies are killing me this spring. It's causing me some dizziness, light headedness, and an all around feeling of not being able to concentrate. This hit me hard during the weekend and I started to panic. Even this morning on my way to work I had to struggle with myself to not get off the train and just head back home. I just don't feel right and it's because of my damn allergies. I know this, but I feel like I am hyper aware of how much I am not in control of what is happening in my body and that scares me at times.

I discussed with c.d. about going to talk to someone. I feel guilty though. What do I have to complain about really? I didn't have to go through chemo or radiation. I am not on any medication. I am cancer free... so what is my problem?

Any survivors out there who can recommend how my transition into survivorship can go more smoothly? I'll try anything!

- J.