Monday, April 15, 2013

Somewhere Out There

10. That's a big number. It's been 10 years to this day since you passed away. It seems like just yesterday. I replay the evening in my mind at times and it's always so crystal clear. You passed away peacefully in your home surrounded by family.

We had music playing. You know that Music Choice station on Comcast TV? We had that on; thanks to you mom I can never ever listen to that damn "Somewhere Out There" song without turning into a crying, snot puddle mess. Zoe was curled up in a little white fluff ball at the end of your bed. As the night went on and April 15th approached I whispered in your ear that I loved you and you responded with your eyes closed, "I love you too baby." Those words meant the world to me then and still do today. Around 12:30am you took your last breath and I knew everything would be different.

You were the best mom a girl could ask for. I look up to you and hope to have at least an ounce of the beauty, love, compassion, patience, and strength that you possessed. You were filled with wisdom and I was lucky enough to use your own words in my eulogy to you. You wrote in a card once how losing a loved one creates a scar on one's heart. Over time that scar fades a bit and becomes softer. It's always there, but it will always be a gentle, happy reminder of our loved one and all the good times you had together. I couldn't have said it better, and I wouldn't dare try.


I have so many wonderful memories of you. I never forget the good times! We had so many. I dream about you periodically. It's always nice to see your face, you're always smiling. I can still hear your voice, and I think about the things you'd say to me now. As I navigate through my life and deal with all the good and bad things it throws at me, I know you are beside me every step of the way.

I made this video for you just months after you passed away. I cherish it and am so happy I can watch it every day and see you and me together again.


I love you mom.

- J.
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9 comments:

  1. AnonymousApril 15, 2013 at 10:50 AM

    Sitting in the library crying... d'oh. <3

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  2. megmac007April 15, 2013 at 11:10 PM

    what a touching post. i had forgotten about your video, shame on me. i also can still hear your mom's voice and it was such a beautiful one at that. i am so proud i can still call you my friend after ten plus years. i feel lucky to have known your mom and to STILL know you. love you, xx.

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    1. jaywontflyApril 16, 2013 at 8:14 PM

      Thanks Meg, for both of your comments. I am lucky to have you by my side for the past 10 years and beyond! You are a great friend and offer me so much support. Love you tons! xoxo.

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  3. megmac007April 15, 2013 at 11:12 PM

    and i must add that you are just as strong and beautiful a woman as your mother, who has endured so well, just as she did. best to you forever, love.

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  4. UnknownApril 20, 2013 at 12:12 PM

    very touching. Glad I found your blog....I am a fellow "Empowered Blogger". Looking forward to following your posts!
    Florence
    www.perksofcancer.com

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    1. jaywontflyApril 21, 2013 at 8:52 PM

      Thank you Florence for your kind words! I've read your blog many times before and I am glad that we are Empowered Bloggers together. And I ALWAYS look forward to your posts. :)

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  5. eileen@womaninthehat.comApril 22, 2013 at 12:14 AM

    So beautifully written and such a touching tribute to your mom. What a great loss, and the anniversary is always so hard. Hugs, Eileen

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    1. jaywontflyApril 23, 2013 at 4:04 PM

      Eileen - thank you so much for your comment. The anniversary is always so hard indeed, but it reminds me what a strong woman she was, and that somehow always gives me such great pride in such sad moments.

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