It's Not a Tumor!

Good news everyone! Good news! It's NOT a tumor! Last week I received a call from my doctor's office. Shelly called me and left a message while I was at work. On my way home I listened to her message and ran through many different scenarios before calling her back. This is how it played back in my mind:

Shelly? Who is Shelly? Normally I hear back from Giselle. Why would Shelly be calling me? Is she the cancer nurse? The nurse who gives the bad news?

But at the end of the message she said I could speak to either her or one of the other nurse practitioners in the office.

Oh! Good! If she were giving me bad news I don't think she would just pass me along to someone else. It's probably not cancer then!

So I called Shelly. She did have good news for me. The doctor has classified the persistent cyst as endometrioma.  Endometrioma is just a fancy term for endometriosis that has formed a cyst on an ovary or ovaries. So there ya have it! It's not a tumor. It's endometrioma and a diagnosis that I can handle. I am so relieved. I've never wanted to hear the word endometriosis as badly as I wanted to hear it then.

The MRI went better than I had thought. I actually got to go in feet first again. My head was still in the MRI machine, but at least I knew it was towards the opening. The machine clunked and clanged and made the same noise it made when I first had my breast MRI, which was strangely comforting. I just closed my eyes, thought about where I wanted to go for dinner, made plans, and kept myself distracted. It didn't seem to take too long. The contrast was a piece of cake, and I was outta there within 45 minutes. Not bad.

I am so relieved. I was so nervous. I am so thankful that I am able to have these tests and ease my mind of all the horrible cancer thoughts. Now on to more important things!

- J.

Persistent Cyst

Hey! What did you call me?! Oh, you're not talking to me, you're talking to that little annoying cyst just hanging out on my right ovary. Yeah, that cyst sure is persistent.

I had an ultrasound in October and my gyno saw a cyst on my right ovary. I had a followup ultrasound last month and he said it's still there. Just hanging out. So now I have to go for an MRI so he can "classify" it. It could be anything! And that's a little frightening. It could be a benign ovarian cyst which so many women get throughout their lifetime. It could be endometriosis, which I suspect is throughout my body making my life miserable. And then it could certainly be a cancerous tumor. Ah, life, you sure like to keep me on my toes.

My CA-125 has remained stable throughout all my blood work checks so that gives me some hope that it's not cancerous.  My MRI is scheduled for next week. I'm not super stoked about hanging out in a tube while contrast gets shot in to my body, but what can ya do? I've never gone in head first to an MRI machine, just feet first. Does anyone have any tips / tricks to help me pass the time while I find out if I'm claustrophobic or not? Last MRI I tried to rap along with the loud banging and thumping of the machine, but that only passes a short amount of time. I'll take any suggestions!

- J

Another Cancerversary Down!

Guess what everyone?! It's my 3 year cancerversary!! That's right, 3 years since I was diagnosed and I'm still going strong.

Actually, this day almost passed me by without any notice. I've been busy. Changes are coming as I close up my last week of work and begin a new job on January 20th. I'll never forget my old job though, my coworkers were tremendous as I went through my whole ordeal. I was lucky to be where I was in my life at that moment I was diagnosed. Does that even make sense? But now it's on to bigger and better things!

I still have my worries, my health concerns. My OBGYN is keeping a close eye on my high (but stable) CA-125. A little wrench was thrown into the mix when he told me he saw a cyst on one of my ovaries after an ultrasound in October. I'm going back this month for another CA-125 and ultrasound to check up on everything.

I'd be lying if I didn't admit I am a bit scared. I try to fool myself into thinking that I don't care, that everything is fine, and how unfair it would be if things got any worse than the breat cancer. It would be unfair! But in reality it could happen. Anything can happen. Anything does happen! But thank god I have amazingly capable doctors in my corner. Doctors I trust. They monitor me closely and I trust that if anything should arise they'd be just as capable to take care of me.

It's always been a big scary world out there, but I'm happy to say, that today, I am 3 years cancer free!

- J.

Happy 2014!

Happy 2014 everyone! I hope it's off to a good start.

2013 Top 5 Photos from Instagram: 

Snow, Cancer Survivor, Marriage,

Kevin & Music, Friends

What can I say about 2013? It was a pretty damn good year. Compared to 2012, 2013 was like a daily dose of happiness, sunshine, and kittens. All day. Every day. Sure, 2013, you were pretty shitty sometimes, but none of us are perfect. At least you didn't come with the news of cancer, or double mastectomies. You just came with the news of ovary scares, anxiety, panic attacks, and leftover pain. Nothing I can't handle these days.

I'm excited where 2014 may take me. I'm not going to make any new year's resolutions (I never do), I just like to come up with some things I'd like to do in the New Year, and try my best to make them happen. No promises and no guilt! For the New Year, I'd like to be a bit healthier, and eat a bit better. I've tried, but it's hard. It's always hard. I love food. I love food so so much. Damn you dairy, damn you cheese.

And in regards to my health, I'd just like to be back down to the weight I was before surgery. I've been having such trouble losing the 10 or so pounds I've gained since surgery. I think I need to stop blaming the extra weight on my foobs. I'm pretty sure they don't weigh 5 pounds each, but it was a good try. I still run (or bike) at least 4 times a week, so it must be what I'm eating. Dammit! The holidays are over, so it's time for me to get back on the wagon and give it the old college try. Wish me luck!

Hello 2014! It's nice to see you. Please be kind to me, my friends, and my family.

- J.

Vacation and Birth Control

It's been awhile my loyal blog readers and I apologize. You'll forgive me though when you hear what I've been up to. I was on a month long vacation. A real vacation! Not a cancer related one. My vacation consisted of relaxing, the Yuengling brewery, the PA Grand Canyon (yes that exists), wedding planning, and a road trip down to Disney for quite the magical time.

Of course, sprinkled within all these fun activities were a couple of doctor appointments. My first one was my yearly check up with my breast surgeon. She is still very pleased with how everything looks and she said everything felt fine. We discussed future plans and she was a little concerned to hear about my high CA-125 test results.

Ah, yes, the CA-125... I took the second blood test as prescribed by my OBGYN. I had an appointment with him on July 30th. The second test came back higher than the first. Ugh. My first score was a 47 and the second 53. He is concerned because the score went up but he is still convinced it is my endometriosis because my ultrasound came back clean (woo). He wants to do a diagnostic test on me. He wants me to take birth control, take the blood test again, and hope that the test results are lower. The theory is that the birth control will calm everything down.

Now, if you know me I've ademently spoken out against taken birth control. I didn't want a single extra ounce of estrogen in this delicate body of mine. Even when OBGYN after OBGYN recommended birth control for my horrible cramps I always declined. Did they even read the family history section on my chart? I stand by my teenage self and still believe that I made the right decision all these years. But this time things are different. I now need to worry about my ovaries. I no longer have breasts, and ovaries react differently to birth control, so I agreed to take it for diagnostic purposes only. It is also the lowest dose of estrogen and only for a short time.

Well, I don't know how you ladies do it! I started my first pill on the first day of my period as prescribed by my doctor (which was when I was in Disney, heh). Now it's been two weeks and my period hasn't stopped! Ack!! It's much lighter some days but is always there. I also have awful cramps and bloating like crazy. If just a low dose of estrogen does this to me I simply can't! My body is rebelling against me and I don't blame it, I am messing with its carefully crafted hormonal balance. I called my doctor on Friday to make sure these side effects were normal. He said yes and it usually takes three months for your body to become accustomed to it. I told him no way, I don't have three months, I've got an October wedding to plan! I agreed to finish the pack, take the blood test, and hope that it was indeed my endometriosis causing the high results, otherwise we have to find a new diagnostic plan.

Sigh, the trials and tribulations of being a woman.

- J.

Something You Should Never Say to a Cancer Survivor

This past Friday I had a blood work appointment and an ultrasound appointment. My OB/GYN wanted to check my CA 125 (cancer antigen 125, which is a tumor marker for ovarian cancer) and my ovaries.

The blood work appointment went well. The woman who took my blood was so nice. She used a butterfly needle on me and it was painless! (Except for that damn tourniquet). I didn't even feel her stick me. Piece of cake!

Then I headed off to my ultrasound appointment. Walking into the ambulatory waiting room, filling out all the paperwork, and waiting for my name to be called was just so nerve wracking! I knew nothing would be revealed to me by the ultrasound tech, but I was so nervous just being there. Also, I had to have a bladder full of liquid for the first half of the ultrasound so I felt like I was going to EXPLODE! Finally my name was called and I followed the technician to a back room.

She performed the first part of the ultrasound and I think her goal was to make me pee my pants. It was cool though to look at the monitor and see my black blob of a bladder moving around on the screen as she took pics of my ovaries. I then had to drain my bladder for the next part of the ultrasound which was a transvaginal ultrasound. That means the technician bounces sound waves off of my inner parts to see what's going on with all my lady parts. It was all rather easy peasy and over in 15 minutes.

The technician waited for me to change so she could escort me down the maze like hallway. As I met up with her she asked me, while gripping my chart in her hands to her chest, "Did you bring anyone with you today?" BOOM! Time stands still. "Uh, no..." I stammer out. Should I have? Is something wrong? Why would she ask that question unless something is wrong? "OK!" She says, "Then you can go out this back entrance."

Oh. OH! Ooohhhhh! She was just showing me an alternative route. Why didn't she just say so? The last time I heard that phrase it was followed by "the biopsy came back positive for cancer." And at that time I didn't bring anyone with me because I figured I didn't need to. Just like for the ultrasound, I felt like I didn't need to bring anyone. So thank goodness no surprises were thrown my way on Friday. There has GOT to be a better way to say, "would you like to go back to the waiting area to exit, or would you like to exit through the super secret back way?"

- J.

"Let's get this show on the road!" said my Ovaries

Nothing says "Time to wake up!!" like an early morning chat about one's ovaries and future babies!!

I finally got around to calling Dr. Blackwood the other day about my ONGYN's recommendation to do at least a low estrogen birth control pill. Remember THIS post from back in November? Yeah, I'm a procrastinator, don't even start. Dr. Blackwood called me back last night and left me a voicemail. She basically said she doesn't have the answer I am looking for. She said the birth control would be good for my ovaries, but in regards to the extra hormones there's no real concrete evidence that it helps or hurts. Things get especially dicey with my BRCA2 positive gene. She recommended that I call my Onc.

To be honest I don't know why I even bothered calling when I had already (sorta) made up my mind. I guess I was looking for reassurance. I am pretty sure I am going to do none of the recommendations from my OBGYN and just hope for the best. I think he will be a bit disappointed to hear that because he wants me to be proactive and I understand. It's just that two of the options are so extreme and the least aggressive option...well, I've never, ever wanted to take birth control. I never felt comfortable knowing there would be extra hormones in my body. What if I was taking birth control during the time my invasive micropapillary carcinoma was growing inside me? Would it still have been just 1mm? Would my lymph nodes still have been clear? I don't know the answers but I feel confident in my no birth control policy. I've been to many different OBGYN's and all but one tried to push the pill on me. I'm proud that I stood my ground!

But has the game changed now? I no longer have my breasts. It's ovary time! Do I now focus primarily on my ovaries? I am just so scared to put any bit of extra estrogen in my body. It just doesn't feel right. And what if I start taking the birth control in May? What if I want to have a baby in a year or so? It seems pointless to go on it for a year! I don't know...

And don't get me started about babies. Thanks to my health problems I feel pressured to have babies NOW so I can get everything down there removed before it decides to turn against me. It's all so overwhelming when I think about it. Kevin said all will be ok. This is the hand I was dealt and we will do what we have to do. And really, is one ever completely "ready" for children? At 30 I sure as hell don't feel ready but my ovaries are definitely ready to get this show on the road!!

- J.

PS Dr. Blackwood's office just called again. Ha. I am getting my pathology report faxed over to me so I can go through it with a fine toothed comb. I need to be sure I am making the best decision for my health. Oofta. Someone tell me I am doing everything right!!

Reporting Back

My new OBGYN was very nice and my appointment went rather smoothly. It was an intense appointment though and he gave me a lot to think about.  He seems very concerned about my ovaries. He wants to be proactive with them and he gave me three different options to ponder. None of them really appeal to me but I will do more research and acquire more details.

• The first option is the least invasive. He wants me to start birth control pills. Now this seems like a bad idea because why would I want to add more estrogen in my body? It seems counter productive. Especially since Dr. Blackwood wanted me to be very aware of my soy consumption. And that's just estrogen in soy! He said he would put me on a low low dose of estrogen. About 10mg. I have read that women who take birth control for 5+ years lower their risk of ovarian cancer, but what if I have rogue breast cancer cells floating through my body?! I certainly don't want to feed them estrogen!
• The second option is only based on theory. I'm sorry, I love research, but I am not doing something to my body based on theory alone. That theory is that ovarian cancer does not actually start in the ovary. Some are saying that the cancer starts on the little phalanges at the end of Fallopian tubes. It then presses up against the ovary and the tumor grows in to it. Some women are having just their Fallopian tubes removed.
• The third option is removing both the ovaries and the Fallopian tubes.

Now the last two options would require that I freeze eggs or embryos and obviously consult with an IVF clinic. At this moment in time those two options seem just a bit extreme to me.

And to be honest this whole ovaries thing angers me. I'm 30! I want to have kids, but not yet. I hate that I feel pressured to have kids because my ovaries may be little ticking time bombs. I have stuff I need to do. I want to be financially stable. I don't want to rush anything just because something may or may not happen. As pointed out to me. When my mom and aunt Jeanne had their ovaries removed there was no sign of cancer, so that leaves me hopeful.

This whole little "but this isn't my plan" rant makes me think of a quote by Joseph Campbell I saw posted on a blog, "We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us."

For now I am waiting for test results to come back. I also need to get an ultrasound done and a couple more tests. I will see him again in six months and by then I should hopefully be well versed in ovaries and ovarian cancer.

- J.

New Doctor Time!

It's been awhile my dear blog. I do miss posting here, but no posts means nothing crazy is happening and I totally prefer that. It's not you blog, it's me!

Tomorrow I have an appointment with a new OBGYN recommended to me by my breast surgeon. She really wants to keep an eye on my ovaries. Keeping an eye on one's ovaries is difficult because it is very hard to diagnose ovarian cancer. But this new doctor is very specialized and I have the utmost confidence in him (though I haven't met him yet...). I know Dr. Blackwood wouldn't send me to just anyone.

I would be lying if I said I wasn't nervous. No, I'm not nervous because he will be my first male OBGYN (although that is strange to me). I'm nervous that he's going to find cancer.

Thanks to this whole breast cancer experience I am now that person who thinks every little pain is CANCER!! I can no longer hide behind the lame excuse of "I'm too young to get cancer." I get a headache? It's CANCER!! I get a stomach pain? It's CANCER!! My knee hurts after running? It's CANCER!! I know it's silly but I feel like that will be something that follows me around for awhile, if not forever. But it's ok, I've gotten used to it already.

So I am ready for this new doctor! I have all my reports in order and all my paperwork filled out. He is located in the same building as my plastic surgeon so I've got this! After my doctor appointment I am heading north for Thanksgiving. I am looking forward to a low key, relaxing vacation.

I hope you all have a great Thanksgiving holiday!

- J.