Another Cancerversary Down!

Guess what everyone?! It's my 3 year cancerversary!! That's right, 3 years since I was diagnosed and I'm still going strong.

Actually, this day almost passed me by without any notice. I've been busy. Changes are coming as I close up my last week of work and begin a new job on January 20th. I'll never forget my old job though, my coworkers were tremendous as I went through my whole ordeal. I was lucky to be where I was in my life at that moment I was diagnosed. Does that even make sense? But now it's on to bigger and better things!

I still have my worries, my health concerns. My OBGYN is keeping a close eye on my high (but stable) CA-125. A little wrench was thrown into the mix when he told me he saw a cyst on one of my ovaries after an ultrasound in October. I'm going back this month for another CA-125 and ultrasound to check up on everything.

I'd be lying if I didn't admit I am a bit scared. I try to fool myself into thinking that I don't care, that everything is fine, and how unfair it would be if things got any worse than the breat cancer. It would be unfair! But in reality it could happen. Anything can happen. Anything does happen! But thank god I have amazingly capable doctors in my corner. Doctors I trust. They monitor me closely and I trust that if anything should arise they'd be just as capable to take care of me.

It's always been a big scary world out there, but I'm happy to say, that today, I am 3 years cancer free!

- J.

Stay Classy

I'm always reminded that my mom was a classy lady. She was also a fighter and certainly not a complainer. Even at her funeral 11 years ago people came up to me just completely shocked. So many said that they didn't even know she was that sick. These comments didn't surprise me, she never really seemed that sick to me either. Sure she participated in walks, cancer research projects, documentaries, and she even spoke in Washington DC for better funding for cancer research, but she was never complaining, just letting everyone know that things need to get better. She celebrated her survivorship and was an inspiration to all.

As I navigated through my bratty, self-centered teenage years she never scoffed at my fears, anger, or sadness, no matter how small they were. She comforted me when I was sad that a guy never called me or when I didn't make the field hockey team (also that time in Pre-K when I decided on the first day of school, that it just wasn't for me). If I were her I'd just want to yell, "try slowly dying from breast cancer then get back to me with your problems!"

My job hosted a health fair about a week ago. There were a couple of tables set up about different breast cancer organizations. At one table I was checking out, a woman turned to me and said, "Do you keep on top of your breast checks?" I was caught off guard. I wanted to tell her that I already had breast cancer. That there was no lump I would have found. And that yes indeed I still check my reconstructed chest in case anything forms on the leftover skin. But then my mom stopped me. I could hear her say, the woman didn't mean anything by it. She's just trying to raise awareness. Don't be a smart ass. It's true. I just nodded and told her I check every day. She smiled back at me and gave me a pamphlet.

I miss my mom terribly but think about her every day. I ask her advice in many different situations. I like to think I know what she would say because she passed some of her classy-ness on to me, but I'm pretty sure it's just because she's always by my side reminding me not to cause a scene.

"You think the dead we love ever truly leave us? You think that we don't recall them more clearly than ever in times of great trouble?" ~ Albus Dumbledore

- J.

Somewhere Out There

10. That's a big number. It's been 10 years to this day since you passed away. It seems like just yesterday. I replay the evening in my mind at times and it's always so crystal clear. You passed away peacefully in your home surrounded by family.

We had music playing. You know that Music Choice station on Comcast TV? We had that on; thanks to you mom I can never ever listen to that damn "Somewhere Out There" song without turning into a crying, snot puddle mess. Zoe was curled up in a little white fluff ball at the end of your bed. As the night went on and April 15th approached I whispered in your ear that I loved you and you responded with your eyes closed, "I love you too baby." Those words meant the world to me then and still do today. Around 12:30am you took your last breath and I knew everything would be different.

You were the best mom a girl could ask for. I look up to you and hope to have at least an ounce of the beauty, love, compassion, patience, and strength that you possessed. You were filled with wisdom and I was lucky enough to use your own words in my eulogy to you. You wrote in a card once how losing a loved one creates a scar on one's heart. Over time that scar fades a bit and becomes softer. It's always there, but it will always be a gentle, happy reminder of our loved one and all the good times you had together. I couldn't have said it better, and I wouldn't dare try.

I have so many wonderful memories of you. I never forget the good times! We had so many. I dream about you periodically. It's always nice to see your face, you're always smiling. I can still hear your voice, and I think about the things you'd say to me now. As I navigate through my life and deal with all the good and bad things it throws at me, I know you are beside me every step of the way.

I made this video for you just months after you passed away. I cherish it and am so happy I can watch it every day and see you and me together again.

I love you mom.

- J.

Finding Humor...

I have a much lengthier post coming up on the horizon, but I had to post this for a laugh.

A friend of mine sent this to me (holla!) via email and I got quite a kick out of it.  It's nice being able to find the humor in my situation, and with my one year anniversary of my diagnosis coming up, I could use some laughs.  Technically things didn't start to "go down" until December 27th, but I can feel all the emotions beginning to start.

More to come, but for now, lets all have a laugh.

- J.

Balls to the Wall

Yes, that's right. That blog post title means it's been exactly six months since my breast cancer diagnosis. Six months! And the second I found out I went balls to the wall to make sure this will be my first and LAST cancer diagnosis. I don't ever want to feel the way I felt six months ago.

It was just six months ago when I heard those dreaded words, "the biopsy came back positive for cancer," and I just broke down and cried. It was six months ago that I had to call my family and friends to tell them. It was six months ago when I took the genetic test. It was six months ago when I had one of the worst panic attacks of my life.

It was also six months ago when I knew I had to take back my life. The official diagnosis may have come six months ago, but it's something I've been preparing for for years. I was diagnosed with breast cancer at 29 years old, now I am 30, cancer free and with a new set of boobs. That's just how I roll.

I am so happy where my life is right now, and I am so relieved that everything has worked out. I know I still have doctor appointments and I still need to keep on top of my health, but breast cancer is no longer looming over my shoulder (or hiding behind my nipple like the creep that it was).

I just want to say to anyone out there who may have just found out that she or he has cancer... Stay strong! Fight back! Don't give up! Don't hang your head! It may seem like you have a tough road ahead of you (and you do, don't get me wrong), but you'll make it through. There is always a light at the end of the tunnel. It may look like the teeniest tiniest dot in the distance, but before you know it you'll be running through that tunnel to find yourself basking in the glory of the light you fought so hard to get to. I believe in every single one of you!

- J.