Happy Father's Day

I know you can tell from many of my previous posts that my mom was all sorts of awesome. Well, guess what? My dad is all sorts of awesome too and today this post celebrates all he has done for me.

Ever since an early age my dad encouraged me to try different things. To me, that translated into sports. I wanted to play any and every sport I could. The sports I enjoyed, I excelled at. I absolutely enjoyed softball and my dad would go outside with me to throw the ball around. I enjoyed basketball (though it certainly was not my strong suit) and he would shoot hoops with me. He also encouraged me to pursue things I didn't enjoy (like the piano), but I don't hold that against him. He always pushed me to be my best wether it was in the sports world, in the academic world, or in the work world.

Speaking of the academic world, I remember sitting at the dinner table with him for hours on end as he tried patiently to explain mathematic word problems to me. I'm sure I wasn't the only one suffering during those times. Oh, and when I would write papers for school? My thoughts were always all over the place and he would try to reel me in. And once again, that would take hours.

When I was diagnosed with breast cancer, I knew he would be right there, encouraging me, cheering me on, supporting me. Unfortunately, he had a lot of practice with my mom, but I knew he was up for the challenge. As you know, when anyone is first diagnosed with cancer, there is a whirlwind of emotions, doctor appointments, and research. Your mind is racing and you just want to make sure you are making the right decisions. The day I found out of my diagnosis I went right to my dad's house and just cried. He held me as I literally cried on his shoulder, but that's exactly what I needed at that time. My dad accompanied me to many of my doctor appointments and biopsies. He was there when I was in surgery and for my recovery. He was the one who told me that we'd take care of this, words that made me feel strong and powerful, like breast cancer messed with the wrong person. 

Thanks for being there for me every step of the way dad. Thanks for letting me grow to the person I am today. I know I certainly didn't make it easy for you at times, but I'm so grateful every day that YOU are my dad. I love you lots.

- J.

Somewhere Out There

10. That's a big number. It's been 10 years to this day since you passed away. It seems like just yesterday. I replay the evening in my mind at times and it's always so crystal clear. You passed away peacefully in your home surrounded by family.

We had music playing. You know that Music Choice station on Comcast TV? We had that on; thanks to you mom I can never ever listen to that damn "Somewhere Out There" song without turning into a crying, snot puddle mess. Zoe was curled up in a little white fluff ball at the end of your bed. As the night went on and April 15th approached I whispered in your ear that I loved you and you responded with your eyes closed, "I love you too baby." Those words meant the world to me then and still do today. Around 12:30am you took your last breath and I knew everything would be different.

You were the best mom a girl could ask for. I look up to you and hope to have at least an ounce of the beauty, love, compassion, patience, and strength that you possessed. You were filled with wisdom and I was lucky enough to use your own words in my eulogy to you. You wrote in a card once how losing a loved one creates a scar on one's heart. Over time that scar fades a bit and becomes softer. It's always there, but it will always be a gentle, happy reminder of our loved one and all the good times you had together. I couldn't have said it better, and I wouldn't dare try.

I have so many wonderful memories of you. I never forget the good times! We had so many. I dream about you periodically. It's always nice to see your face, you're always smiling. I can still hear your voice, and I think about the things you'd say to me now. As I navigate through my life and deal with all the good and bad things it throws at me, I know you are beside me every step of the way.

I made this video for you just months after you passed away. I cherish it and am so happy I can watch it every day and see you and me together again.

I love you mom.

- J.