Everyone Learns Faster on Fire

It's my one year cancerversary! It's been exactly one year since I heard those awful, awful words, "the biopsy came back positive for cancer." What?! Really?! Are you sure?! Though, I can't say I was too surprised. Shocked, yes. Surprised, no. I am my mother's daughter after all, and she prepared me for all of this. But no matter how "prepared" you feel, hearing that you have cancer takes your breath away. It's one of the scariest moments of your life.

I've learned a lot about myself over the past year. I learned that I can handle a lot more than I thought I ever could. Like I have said before, I feel like I've been preparing for this for a long time. My mom taught me how to be strong. She taught me how to fight hard. And she taught me to never give up. When life gets tough, you don't sit around and have a pity party, you do something about it. And that's just what I did.

Yes, it was tough. At some points during my journey I felt quite weak, that maybe I made the wrong decision. But whenever I felt this way, I had my family and friends lifting me up and helping me along. When I was down and needed to vent I had people there to listen. When I felt inspired and badass I had people there to join me in my celebration.

Many things have changed about me, both physically and emotionally, but I am a better person for all of it. Today is my one year cancerversary. Today I celebrate the second chance I have been given.

- J.

Good Riddance 2012!

I can't say I'll miss ya 2012, you weren't too kind to me.

No, no, I don't want to beat up all of 2012. For what it's worth, 2012 wasn't THAT bad. Sure I found out I had breast cancer. Sure I lost my awesome boobies. Sure my anxiety was at an all time high. But once that was all over, it was actually quite pleasant.

I still can't get over the fact that I am ending 2012 with a new rack. I never, in my wildest imagination, believed this would happen at such an early age. But it did. I dealt with it, took care of it, and I am still here to tell the tale.

Like I've said before, I am still hyper-aware of my implants. They still bother me. They still get in my way. They will never look quite "right." I can't get any damn cleavage to show off. I am still frightened of people bumping in to them. Buuuuuut, these pesky implants do have some "perks" (heh). They are a bit bigger than my previous pair. They will forever be perky. They have some pretty kickass scars. They don't have any nips. And if I fall overboard I have my own built in life preserver (this theory has yet to be tested out).

So 2012, to you I say adieu! I am excited for what 2013 has in store for me. I have concerts to rock out to. I have vacations where I can relax. I have a wedding to plan. And much, much more. You may have knocked me down for a couple of months breast cancer, but I just got right back up. You may have altered my body a bit breast cancer, but I will use it to my advantage. Don't think you got the best of me breast cancer, because you didn't, and you never will.

Happy New Year to all!

- J.

Share My Road

December 27, 2011.

I can't believe it's been a year. I can't believe it's been a year from the day my body gave me the wake up call that I just couldn't ignore. After ignoring the clear discharge for months on end, it decided to smack me across the face. "Don't ignore me any longer!" It shouted to me. It turned bloody and I could no longer ignore what I kept deeming, "just a normal discharge." I made an appointment that day for a mammogram and ultrasound. I still find it absolutely crazy that after I was officially diagnosed with breast cancer the discharge just stopped. What was up with that?! Seriously. Is that something that happens? Did my body say, "Hey, thanks for listening ass. Now take care of me." I'll never ignore you again body! I swear!

Some days the year feels like it flew by. Other days it seems like it crawled. I've been thinking about this time last year more than ever as the one year anniversary of my diagnosis approaches. I think about going to different doctor appointments, wondering if I was OK. I think about that exact moment in time when I was told I had breast cancer and I begin to tear up all over again. I think about telling my friends and family about my diagnosis when I couldn't even believe it myself. I also remember everyone being strong for me when I needed that the most.

You've all been following my journey for a year and I thank you every day for your support. I couldn't have done it without all of you in my own personal cheering section. I still feel overwhelmed by my diagnosis, even though I've been stamped CANCER FREE. It's only been a year. Only a year. And yet so many things have changed. I started the year with a breast cancer diagnosis and I end the year breast cancer free. I started the year with my own breasts. Now I have these implants on my chest that I still need to get used to. I am still so hyper-aware of my implants and I hope that fades over time. I know it will. Or at least I hope it will.

My emotions are running wild as I am able to reflect on this time last year knowing what I know now. Last year I was just on auto pilot as I fought hard to regain my health and kick breast cancer outta my life. I didn't know what was in store for me, and technically I still don't, but what I do know is that I fought my hardest and had the most amazing people by my side.

- J.

Finding Humor...

I have a much lengthier post coming up on the horizon, but I had to post this for a laugh.

A friend of mine sent this to me (holla!) via email and I got quite a kick out of it.  It's nice being able to find the humor in my situation, and with my one year anniversary of my diagnosis coming up, I could use some laughs.  Technically things didn't start to "go down" until December 27th, but I can feel all the emotions beginning to start.

More to come, but for now, lets all have a laugh.

- J.

Reporting Back

My new OBGYN was very nice and my appointment went rather smoothly. It was an intense appointment though and he gave me a lot to think about.  He seems very concerned about my ovaries. He wants to be proactive with them and he gave me three different options to ponder. None of them really appeal to me but I will do more research and acquire more details.

• The first option is the least invasive. He wants me to start birth control pills. Now this seems like a bad idea because why would I want to add more estrogen in my body? It seems counter productive. Especially since Dr. Blackwood wanted me to be very aware of my soy consumption. And that's just estrogen in soy! He said he would put me on a low low dose of estrogen. About 10mg. I have read that women who take birth control for 5+ years lower their risk of ovarian cancer, but what if I have rogue breast cancer cells floating through my body?! I certainly don't want to feed them estrogen!
• The second option is only based on theory. I'm sorry, I love research, but I am not doing something to my body based on theory alone. That theory is that ovarian cancer does not actually start in the ovary. Some are saying that the cancer starts on the little phalanges at the end of Fallopian tubes. It then presses up against the ovary and the tumor grows in to it. Some women are having just their Fallopian tubes removed.
• The third option is removing both the ovaries and the Fallopian tubes.

Now the last two options would require that I freeze eggs or embryos and obviously consult with an IVF clinic. At this moment in time those two options seem just a bit extreme to me.

And to be honest this whole ovaries thing angers me. I'm 30! I want to have kids, but not yet. I hate that I feel pressured to have kids because my ovaries may be little ticking time bombs. I have stuff I need to do. I want to be financially stable. I don't want to rush anything just because something may or may not happen. As pointed out to me. When my mom and aunt Jeanne had their ovaries removed there was no sign of cancer, so that leaves me hopeful.

This whole little "but this isn't my plan" rant makes me think of a quote by Joseph Campbell I saw posted on a blog, "We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us."

For now I am waiting for test results to come back. I also need to get an ultrasound done and a couple more tests. I will see him again in six months and by then I should hopefully be well versed in ovaries and ovarian cancer.

- J.

New Doctor Time!

It's been awhile my dear blog. I do miss posting here, but no posts means nothing crazy is happening and I totally prefer that. It's not you blog, it's me!

Tomorrow I have an appointment with a new OBGYN recommended to me by my breast surgeon. She really wants to keep an eye on my ovaries. Keeping an eye on one's ovaries is difficult because it is very hard to diagnose ovarian cancer. But this new doctor is very specialized and I have the utmost confidence in him (though I haven't met him yet...). I know Dr. Blackwood wouldn't send me to just anyone.

I would be lying if I said I wasn't nervous. No, I'm not nervous because he will be my first male OBGYN (although that is strange to me). I'm nervous that he's going to find cancer.

Thanks to this whole breast cancer experience I am now that person who thinks every little pain is CANCER!! I can no longer hide behind the lame excuse of "I'm too young to get cancer." I get a headache? It's CANCER!! I get a stomach pain? It's CANCER!! My knee hurts after running? It's CANCER!! I know it's silly but I feel like that will be something that follows me around for awhile, if not forever. But it's ok, I've gotten used to it already.

So I am ready for this new doctor! I have all my reports in order and all my paperwork filled out. He is located in the same building as my plastic surgeon so I've got this! After my doctor appointment I am heading north for Thanksgiving. I am looking forward to a low key, relaxing vacation.

I hope you all have a great Thanksgiving holiday!

- J.

Hold Myself Up and Love My Scars

I learned something new today. Today is BRA Day. BRA Day you ask? Yes! Breast Reconstruction Awareness Day. It's a day to celebrate me and my new boobies! Yaaayy!

No, really. According to the website, My Hope Chest, "...nearly 6200 women a year lose their breasts and are uninsured." I couldn't even imagine. When I was going through the planning for my double mastectomy, not once did I think, maybe my reconstruction won't be covered. Reconstruction was part of my recovery and my insurance company didn't even blink an eye. I never worried once, but many women do. When uninsured or under insured women hear, "you have breast cancer," that may mean a double mastectomy with no insurance for reconstruction.

I believe every woman deserves the chance to decide if she wants reconstruction. I wish insurance did not have to be the deciding factor. There are many strong women who decide to opt out of reconstruction on their own accord. I went with reconstruction and I'm personally glad I did, though I can have mood swings over it. Sometimes when I look at my new boobs I think, maybe I shouldn't have done this because they just don't look like mine. Then other days, I look at them, scars and all, and think, fuck yeah I took matters in to my own hands and I'm proud of them!

It makes me sad to think that there are women out there who feel breast cancer has made them incomplete because their only option was a double mastectomy with no reconstruction. That's just not right. Dealing with the diagnosis of breast cancer is enough trauma. My Hope Chest is the only national organization focusing on treatment for uninsured women.

This is the Breast Reconstruction Awareness ribbon My Hope Chest has created. "The colors in the breast reconstruction ribbon transition and transform, just like the survivors My Hope Chest helps to become whole again. The ribbon goes from pink - the original breast cancer color, to white - known as the "light" or the power of healing. The white blends to yellow, the color of hope, sunshine and new beginnings."

One day, hopefully every woman will love her body and her scars, reconstructed or not. But it should always be her own decision.

- J.