#5words2cancer

I Had Cancer is a great site where cancer fighters, survivors, and supporters can reach out to one another for support, an understanding ear to listen, or to ask the tough questions and get the real answers. They ran a fun contest asking people, if you had 5 words to say to cancer, what would you say?

I thought about this long and hard. What wouldn't I say to cancer? I've always wanted to give cancer a piece of my mind. But to say it in 5 words? Is that even possible? I want to go on a tirade! Spout hateful words in the face of cancer. I want to make cancer feel really, really bad for all the crap it put my family and friends through. It should feel ashamed of itself!

But finally, the 5 exact words I wanted to tell cancer came to my mind... they were uplifting, strong, and made me smile. You messed with the wrong girl cancer.

 

- J.

Stay Classy

I'm always reminded that my mom was a classy lady. She was also a fighter and certainly not a complainer. Even at her funeral 11 years ago people came up to me just completely shocked. So many said that they didn't even know she was that sick. These comments didn't surprise me, she never really seemed that sick to me either. Sure she participated in walks, cancer research projects, documentaries, and she even spoke in Washington DC for better funding for cancer research, but she was never complaining, just letting everyone know that things need to get better. She celebrated her survivorship and was an inspiration to all.

As I navigated through my bratty, self-centered teenage years she never scoffed at my fears, anger, or sadness, no matter how small they were. She comforted me when I was sad that a guy never called me or when I didn't make the field hockey team (also that time in Pre-K when I decided on the first day of school, that it just wasn't for me). If I were her I'd just want to yell, "try slowly dying from breast cancer then get back to me with your problems!"

My job hosted a health fair about a week ago. There were a couple of tables set up about different breast cancer organizations. At one table I was checking out, a woman turned to me and said, "Do you keep on top of your breast checks?" I was caught off guard. I wanted to tell her that I already had breast cancer. That there was no lump I would have found. And that yes indeed I still check my reconstructed chest in case anything forms on the leftover skin. But then my mom stopped me. I could hear her say, the woman didn't mean anything by it. She's just trying to raise awareness. Don't be a smart ass. It's true. I just nodded and told her I check every day. She smiled back at me and gave me a pamphlet.

I miss my mom terribly but think about her every day. I ask her advice in many different situations. I like to think I know what she would say because she passed some of her classy-ness on to me, but I'm pretty sure it's just because she's always by my side reminding me not to cause a scene.

"You think the dead we love ever truly leave us? You think that we don't recall them more clearly than ever in times of great trouble?" ~ Albus Dumbledore

- J.

Charlie the Horse

I experienced something new and "fantastic" the other day thanks to my double mastectomy. I think the medical terminology would be - Charlie Horse.

I've always been prone to Charlie horses, especially during my swimmer days. I'd get them so frequently and so badly in my calves and feet. I'd have to awkwardly swim to the side of the pool without drowning, somehow pull myself out, and then limp around until I worked it out. I still get them to this day and they still suck just as bad, though I'm usually not in a pool any more when they occur.

The other day, out of nowhere I got this crazy, sharp, tight pain in my right armpit. It made me gasp it hurt so bad. At first I didn't know what it was; then I recognized that all too familiar pain. The area by my armpit, where my chest muscle is stretched, was going into full on Charlie horse mode. Not cool!! How does one walk out a Charlie horse in one's armpit?! It's not scientifically possible!

The pain left as quickly as it came after a little stretch (and by stretch I just mean pulling my shoulders back), but it was quite an experience. Add Charlie horse to the side effects column of a double mastectomy.

- J.

Laughter Really IS the Best Medicine

It's that time of the year again. My surgervercary is approaching. It's been two years since my double mastectomy and the start of my life being cancer free again. It's a good feeling!

Just a couple of days ago I began an email correspondence with a friend's sister who is scheduled for a double mastectomy next week. She is going the same route as I did, expanders, then silicone gel implants and she is feeling all the emotions I did exactly two years ago. Her family and friends are incredibly supportive and it sounds like she has a great support system.

I tried giving her as many "tips" as I possibly could so she would feel prepared for what to expect when she is at home recovering. As I was listing all the tips, I couldn't help but laugh as I remembered:

• Kevin wrapping me in plastic wrap so I could shower
• Me dropping my food between car seats and not being able to retrieve it with my T-Rex arms as Meg drove me to a doctors appointment 
• Trying to build origami creatures with my nieces and nephew and then abruptly giving up when we found out we had to use glue
  
• And possibly my favorite moment - going to Supercuts with c.d. and receiving this master piece. I remember laughing so hard that it HURT. Literally. My chest was so sore afterwards but it was much needed.

Luckily I have family and friends who, when shit gets tough, make me laugh. Of course, I'll always remember what I went through in 2012. The pain, anxiety, medications, trauma, just wanting to exercise, the frustration, all of it. But I also remember the good parts of my recovery, the time spent with my family, the jokes about my drains, movie nights down in the basement, all the laughing, and oh so much more.

- J.

PS Speaking of wrapping one's self in plastic wrap, I was just currently tipped off to this awesome product that is used for showering after surgery. It's the one thing I look back at and wish I had. If you are interested in other helpful aides check out the awesome CureDiva website.

I've got Friends in all the Right Places

It's been 2 years ago today that I was diagnosed with breast cancer. And yes, I still do remember it all crystal clear. As I mentioned in my one year cancerversary post and throughout many of my other blog posts, my family and friends were (and still remain) such an integral part of my recovery process. They give me a reason to keep going, keep fighting, keep laughing, and keep surviving. You all have been my everything.

I also have another important group of people that continue to help me through my recovery process and those are my social media friends. The many wonderful, amazing people I've met from blogging, Twitter (#bcsm), Facebook, and Instagram have been such a supportive, understanding, and strong group of people.

I remember someone asking me, "Why do you blog?" My immediate answer was that it felt good to vent, to write about what I was going through, it's so theraputic. I also wanted to keep my family and friends up to date on all my goings ons. (I loved that I didn't have to repeat the same story over and over again). An unexpected gift I received from this blog? An amazing online support group. A group of people who knew EXACTLY what I was going through, never laughed at any question I had, never scoffed at my concerns, and never ever dismissed my fears as being silly.

My biggest online support group comes in the form of a private Facebook group created by another young breast cancer survivor. It is a safe place where people of all ages and all cancer types ask for advice, support, or just a place to vent. I was lucky enough to be part of it from the very beginning. I've watched it grow and I help participate in the amazing support that continues to flourish from within it. It was so important for me to find this group and be a part of it because there are so many other young breast cancer survivors in it. I would have never met these young, strong, dedicated ladies any other way.

This passionate group also created a video called, "More Than Pink." This video contains personal images from cancer survivors, showing the REAL side of cancer. The video is to remind everyone that cancer is more than just one color and more than just one month. I am proud to be part of a group where such empowerment emanates.



Thank you to everyone, in all aspects of my life, who has stuck with me for the past two years. It's been a rough and wild journey and I look forward to what the future holds!

- J.

Happy 2014!

Happy 2014 everyone! I hope it's off to a good start.

2013 Top 5 Photos from Instagram: 

Snow, Cancer Survivor, Marriage,

Kevin & Music, Friends

What can I say about 2013? It was a pretty damn good year. Compared to 2012, 2013 was like a daily dose of happiness, sunshine, and kittens. All day. Every day. Sure, 2013, you were pretty shitty sometimes, but none of us are perfect. At least you didn't come with the news of cancer, or double mastectomies. You just came with the news of ovary scares, anxiety, panic attacks, and leftover pain. Nothing I can't handle these days.

I'm excited where 2014 may take me. I'm not going to make any new year's resolutions (I never do), I just like to come up with some things I'd like to do in the New Year, and try my best to make them happen. No promises and no guilt! For the New Year, I'd like to be a bit healthier, and eat a bit better. I've tried, but it's hard. It's always hard. I love food. I love food so so much. Damn you dairy, damn you cheese.

And in regards to my health, I'd just like to be back down to the weight I was before surgery. I've been having such trouble losing the 10 or so pounds I've gained since surgery. I think I need to stop blaming the extra weight on my foobs. I'm pretty sure they don't weigh 5 pounds each, but it was a good try. I still run (or bike) at least 4 times a week, so it must be what I'm eating. Dammit! The holidays are over, so it's time for me to get back on the wagon and give it the old college try. Wish me luck!

Hello 2014! It's nice to see you. Please be kind to me, my friends, and my family.

- J.

2's my favorite 1

I know you are all wondering if I really did it. You are all thinking to yourself, hey, I wonder if J really did get married this past October. She said she would, but she never confirmed via blog post, so maybe she pulled a runaway bride.

Well, sorry to disappoint but I did NOT pull a runaway bride. On October 12th I got married. Kevin and I had a beautiful, "let's get this done," 6 minute outdoor ceremony. We declared our undying love and dedication to each other surrounded by our family and friends, and it was everything I imagined it to be.

And then we partied. We celebrated with all our loved ones and it was just so amazing and special. I think I told every person who I came in contact with that I loved them, and you all better believe that I meant it. If for some reason I missed you, just know that I LOVE YOU! I think I may have the biggest supportive group of family and friends in the world (OK, not counting you Bat Kid, your support group is pretty impressive too). And now Kevin and his family are part of mine, and I am one lucky girl.

I've read multiple posts over the past months about husbands and boyfriends leaving their loved ones behind as they go through the most difficult battle of their life, cancer. When I tell Kevin that he is something special, he claims that any man would stick by his woman's side during her toughest times, but that's sadly not true. Even before our wedding vows, even before we said in front of everyone, "through sickness and health," I knew that he could step up to the plate. I just want every woman who has been let down by her man before know that there are good ones out there. There are dedicated, strong men, who will stick by your side and take care of you when you need them the most. I am lucky to know many of them. My family is full of them! My dad never left my mom's side, and Kevin will never leave mine.

Speaking of my mom, she would have loved Kevin. I know it. And I know she would have loved my wedding. I wore her wedding dress and I felt like a princess in it. A bad ass, cancer kicking princess to be exact! Just like my momma.

Thank you to everyone who came to my wedding. Thank you to all my friends and family. Thank you to Kevin for being all that I could ask for (and even a little more). Thank you to everyone who reads this blog. You all keep me sane, and I am sure I will continue to need your support as the years fly by.

- J.